A Kick Up The Arse

My god what a shock! The sun nearly came out yesterday fucking summers! I’ve shit them

I’ve just got back from the hospital, I had to get my foot removed from gobshithes arse

I always said her fanny was like a slot machine I caught her giving the window cleaner the right f**king change She’s jealous of me, she keeps hiding my glasses so I can’t look at another woman’s tits

They say that swans mate for life, of course they do! They all look the F**king same!

Oh and by the way, the person who nicked my ladders out of the garden, please return them or further steps will be taken!! I’ve been very suspicious of my neighbor, she’s been distracting me with her massive tits! They are that big, she could breastfeed Devon and Cornwall You can tell they have got plenty of money, their dog only chases posh cars

Do you ever get lonely? I do, I rang a lonely hearts phone number and a guy answered, it was probably Sergeant Pepper

We got nothing as kids Dad gave us pocket money on an elastic band and when we had chicken for dinner, I only got the ankle He once said “I’ve bought something for the house” I just knew it wouldn’t have been a round of drinks One morning I said “Dad I’ve hurt my foot, what should l do?” he said “f**king limp!”